No one shows up to parenthood fully healed.
Why your children wake up your vulnerabilities & show you that there's more inner work to do <3
As a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma, I’ve always had high ideals for myself when it comes to being a mom. I vowed to validate emotions, be consistent with boundaries, and most importantly, never lose my shit and remain the perfect picture of regulated emotional intelligence. I imagined that I would bring only the best parts of me to motherhood. I would be playful and imaginative, building forts and performing puppet shows. I would be sensitive and intuitive, providing acts of nurture with gentleness and slow pacing. I would be self-aware and connected, naming emotions and modeling self-regulation by taking deep breaths with a smile.
I imagined motherhood as an idyllic, full-circle moment for myself, where I could arrive fully healed and integrated.
Then motherhood actually happened. I arrived with a baby that came 3 weeks late in an unplanned C-section. He had a tongue tie and weeks of inconsolable colic. I had postpartum OCD and PTSD that showed up with sobbing fits, circular what-if thinking loops, and nightly episodes of snapping at my husband. I couldn’t lift my child in the first few weeks, let alone baby-wear him like my dreams of attachment parenting pictured. He struggled with latching and I struggled with thinking that my son hated me because he screamed any time my milk would let down. For months, I refused to do anything separate from my son, even forbidding visitors due to fears of him contracting RSV. I regularly contemplated what kind of mom I would be if I didn’t have a traumatic birth or the two pregnancy losses that preceded my son. Maybe I would be more confident and less reactive and anxious, I wondered.
Looking back on my early postpartum experience, I can see those fragile thoughts and emotions as completely natural responses to new motherhood, the hormonal shift of postpartum, and the ripple effect of a traumatic birth and pregnancy loss which I still carried in my body. I can give grace to that new mama and understand all of her fears, shame, and vulnerability. She expected an ideal of herself and life delivered a more realistic picture of motherhood at her feet. This picture of motherhood includes all parts of herself, even the ones she thought she healed and swore she would never bring into the vicinity of her child’s precious, newly forming psyche.
Like many people who have experienced childhood trauma and are intentional about breaking cycles, I’ve invested significant time in developing skills for myself that were not modeled or taught to me in my childhood.
I learned about nonviolent communication and nervous system regulation because yelling, blaming, and taking your anger out on other people was so normalized in my childhood home and I always hated how out-of-control that made me feel. I learned how to actively listen to other perspectives and understand my own emotions because no one took the time to sit with my feelings and this always made me feel desperately alone as a sensitive child. Heck, I even became a therapist in the parentified child to helping professional pipeline because I wanted a level of expertise that provided evidence that I was different from my origin story, that I could be transformed, redeemed, and healed.
But no one shows up to parenthood fully healed. Even therapists. In fact, I would argue that you’re not being present enough with your children if you’re not aware of something in you that needs presence, too.
The innocence of your children and your love for them will naturally reveal to you the parts of yourself that were cast out of the circle of belonging and protection.
And you might think that you dealt with these parts prior to having children, especially if you invested in therapy or are a therapist like myself, but having children will unlock new layers of your healing journey. Your children are mini-reflections of you and they will draw out your most vulnerable parts. You can’t possibly anticipate this when you are fully resourced and regulated as a childfree adult. But when you become a parent and suddenly you’re not getting enough sleep, barely have time to brush your teeth, and have a completely helpless infant demanding all of your attention for their every need, you’ll revisit ground you thought you conquered as you deal with your fear of inadequacy, shame at imperfection, and mounting stress-load.
I want to normalize how having children will crack open our vulnerabilities and reawaken unconscious parts in our internal systems.
We can do our best to prepare for the psychological process of matrescence, but imagining what it will be is one thing and actually going through that threshold is another. My husband and I did premarital counseling before we got married, and while it did help us prepare for marriage, it didn’t predict every peak and valley or resolve every issue that surfaced after we said ‘I do.’ Similarly, you can work on yourself before having children to maximize your ability to be a present, responsive parent, but until you actually have a child, you’re not going to know what parts of you need the most attention.
I never thought I would have to work on my anxiety, reactivity, and shame as a new mom. I thought I would just be stressed (whatever that means!). Being a mom has shown me that I have parts and patterns that need serious, intentional inner work, and I’m not even trying to be hard on myself as I acknowledge this truth. I also think I’m a great mom and I’m proud of how intentional I am with raising my son, from breastfeeding on demand to being present with him, to regulating his nervous system with outdoor time to speaking blessings and affirmations over him.
All of this can co-exist and all of this can be true. We can acknowledge that we’re great parents and also acknowledge that we have more work to do. Let’s be courageous in facing that work and compassionate in accepting that it’s natural on the healing journey.
~S
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Other ways to connect with me & what sparks my interest:
Apply for IFS coaching & parts work mentorship — for folks in long-term addiction and trauma recovery. I have a few spots still open for springtime and I look forward to reading more about you <3
Sign up for The Embody Lab's Breathwork & Movement Therapy For Trauma Healing Program (starts 05/09 code SARAH for 10% off!)
I am not a parent, but this is an eye-opening piece. Will be including it in an upcoming blog article to shoutout!