ifs practice: for keeping your peace this holiday season
how to survive family members who trigger you & maintain Self-leadership
foreword
Welcome to Whole Self! Every Sunday, I send out an offering which expands upon a concept related to parts work, embodied poetics, or post-traumatic growth. This is free, so if you subscribe you will receive this.
A brief note on me: my name is Sarah Ann Saeger and I am a licensed IFS therapist, writer, and post-lineage yoga teacher. My mission is to help you embrace the embodied wisdom of your whole self. You can find me on Instagram where I share short-form musings & lessons related to parts work with over 100k followers!
Last, here are some key concepts that can help you if you’re new to IFS:
Internal Family Systems (IFS) - a compassion-focused, evidence-based psychotherapy based on the assumption that healing happens when we seek to be with our internal experience (or inner world of parts) rather than “fix” or “change” it
Part - an inner complex, sub-personality, or version of yourself that exists with an agenda, emotion, job, memory state, somatic sensation, or belief
Self or Self-energy - the awareness that can hold all parts; compassionate, curious awareness; loving presence; awareness without an agenda
Parts work - the practice of healing your parts through witnessing, listening, and supporting them
Happy reading and thank you for supporting my work!
The intention of this IFS practice is to unblend from parts that get triggered around toxic family members this holiday season. Unblending is a way to regulate activated parts by helping them step back and trust Self to lead the system.
This practice is adapted from Frank Anderson’s “Accessing Self-Energy” meditation from the IFS Continuity Program’s Trauma, Neuroscience, and IFS. When your nervous system feels activated or you notice some parts up around the prospect of attending a holiday event with relatives, you can use this practice to prepare.
1. Preparing for the event: resource to Self, unblend, and give parts options.
First, take a moment to get settled and turn inward, resourcing to Self: take some deep breaths, open your heart, be present.
Next, think about the upcoming holiday event and the people attending. Notice what parts of you come up as you think about the event and take note of each part’s fears and concerns. As you observe these parts, maintain Self-energy. Breathe with and for them. Send loving presence to them. Validate their fears and concerns. Ask them what they need to feel safe and supported.
Some options you can offer your parts that are triggered around relatives are:
Limiting contact by arriving late, leaving early, or exchanging simple pleasantries and not having further conversation
Bringing a supportive friend or sticking close to a supportive family member
Preparing scripts for sensitive topics ahead of time
Preparing validating statements for your parts ahead of time
Designing a safe haven inside where parts can go when they feel triggered
Setting boundaries ahead of times if situations escalate
Thank your parts for expressing their feelings to you and ask them to step back and let Self guide this process. Note, this is called unblending.
Now, call the image of the holiday event to mind along with the relatives who trigger you. Maintain Self energy. Notice how you feel toward these people now that your parts have been acknowledged and stepped back. Notice if you feel more connected, calm, and settled. Stay here as long as you like, anchoring into this felt sense of presence.
2. Attending the event: practice Self-leadership, unblend, and tend to your parts.
On the way to the event, remind your parts that you are here to take care of them and help them manage their feelings when they come up. Let them know what you are doing to address the needs they expressed earlier.
At the event, engage the unblending exercise you did in Step 1. When engaging with people that trigger your parts, this looks like:
Taking deep breaths
Grounding by feeling your feet press firmly into the floor and feeling your full stature
Validating and acknowledging parts when they come up
Asking parts to step back and let you handle the conversations
Keeping your heart open
Placing your hand on your heart or stomach to practice centering and containment
3. Decompressing from the event: engage in aftercare, check in with your parts, and meet their needs.
After the event, check in with your parts again. Ask them how they’re feeling. Ask them what they need now. Some options include:
creating intentional time to connect with parts, especially young ones, such as with a solo date or special holiday tradition
engaging in creative, spiritual, or embodied practice to help parts connect with their values and gifts
participating in self-care for nervous system regulation - body work, salt bath, foot soak, hot tea, etc.
setting new boundaries for next holiday, which might include limiting contact further
utilizing inner visualization to situate parts in an imagined safe haven or retrieve them to where you currently are, with their consent
Be good to your system this holiday season and remember that you can be the loving leader your parts need to navigate activating family dynamics!