ifs essay & inner dialoguing practice: how to honor parts' positive intentions & unwrap their bundle of gifts

why parts need their positive intentions understood & how this enriches the deeper story of who you are

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foreword

Welcome to Whole Self! Every Sunday, I send out an offering which expands upon a concept related to parts work, embodied poetics, or post-traumatic growth. This is free, so if you subscribe you will receive this.

A brief note on me: my name is Sarah Ann Saeger and I am a licensed IFS therapist, writer, and post-lineage yoga teacher. My mission is to help you embrace the embodied wisdom of your whole self. You can find me on Instagram where I share short-form musings & lessons related to parts work with over 100k followers!

Last, here are some key concepts that can help you if you’re new to IFS:

Internal Family Systems (IFS) - a compassion-focused, evidence-based psychotherapy based on the assumption that healing happens when we seek to be with our internal experience (or inner world of parts) rather than “fix” or “change” it

See: The IFS Model Outline

Part - an inner complex, sub-personality, or version of yourself that exists with an agenda, emotion, job, memory state, somatic sensation, or belief

Self or Self-energy - the awareness that can hold all parts; compassionate, curious awareness; loving presence; awareness without an agenda

Parts work - the practice of healing your parts through witnessing, listening, and supporting them

Happy reading and thank you for supporting my work by subscribing for free or sharing this post!

“If I don’t understand you with your own understanding, this is no fault of yours, but my responsibility to right.”

I have always believed this about my clients as a therapist. Even before I was trained in IFS and learned the impact of empathy in the inner world, I have always had a part that felt as though healing hinged on this deeper kind of seeing. I could not relate to the denial of colleagues who insisted that their clients’ transference was always about their clients; if I misunderstood or misattuned to my client, I reasoned that I was the paid and trained professional who had to humble herself to admit that it was my error, to try again, to learn them better, to give them some kind of corrective experience they were missing.

Going beyond my chosen profession as a therapist, I’ve always had parts that knew intimately how lack of understanding created suffering and disconnection. I was a sensitive, emotionally intelligent child who sensed early on that I could see things in my family system that my parents couldn’t see. I’ve since learned that this is a common burden that parentified children inherit when they grow up with addiction and untreated mental illness in the home: they often understand their parents better than their parents understand them, or at least spend more time thinking about how to anticipate sudden mood shifts, avoid blame, and compensate for their parents’ pain points with affection and adoration. While this solidifies your usefulness to an emotionally fragile parent, it deepens a well of longing within you. My most vulnerable parts hungered for this kind of attention to be reciprocated. They could not believe they were loved because they were not understood, and they dreamed of this shared and mutual love language being draped over them.

Getting trained in IFS and developing proficiency with this therapeutic approach has added layers and balance to this belief in the medicine of understanding. It’s a dialectic dance for me: parts need to feel understood by Self to heal, but understanding is not the only way that Self connects with parts (if you’re new to IFS, Self or Self-energy is the awareness that holds all parts, and parts are sub-personalities or aspects/versions of yourself that contain agendas, needs, fears, and feelings). Understanding may land as gold in the inner world of a person who has experienced parentification and emotional neglect, but it does not resonate the same in every system.

Still, I have found for most parts, generally speaking, understanding is an essential fiber in the fabric of trust between parts and Self. Understanding reflects compassion and connectedness, which are 2 of the “8 C’s” that IFS founder Richard Schwartz names as qualities of Self-energy. Protector parts known as managers and firefighters don’t become willing to step back from their roles until their reasons for protection are perfectly understood. Vulnerable parts known as exiles don’t become willing to release their burdens until their stories of victimization are deeply understood.

Understanding gives parts the confidence to try on new roles and write new narratives, brushing a balm of hope over the inner world that allows it to be reconstituted anew.

One of the essential tenants of the IFS model is the idea that “all parts are welcome'“ and “there are no bad parts.” Every part has a purpose. Every part has a positive intention for the system, and if we can’t see it yet, we’re in another part. We have to un-blend from parts that hold limited perspectives, biases, and negative impressions of other parts, and allow Self to lead the way in building a relationship with the internal system. Self does this with loving presence and compassionate, curious, agenda-free attention. When we can access Self for parts that frighten, disturb, or upset other parts of us, it’s like a homecoming unfolding inside. A lightbulb goes off and we suddenly can see how this part makes perfect sense and how we can help it in ways that feel welcome and resonant for the part.

I’m currently reading Martha Sweezy’s newest book, Internal Family Systems Therapy For Shame and Guilt, and I’m touched by a description of parts that she references from Richard Schwartz. Schwartz calls parts “sacred inner beings”. This description speaks to their aliveness, holiness, and spiritedness which is us. Parts are not just abstract concepts or metaphors for ways that we see the world or emotions we feel. Parts are vibrant micro-cosms of the macro-cosm of our being-ness. They help us experience ourselves and our own consciousness, which makes them revelatory and sacred. Thus, their presence in our inner worlds is also sacred. Their intentions for our lives matters, and we can remind them that they matter by reflecting their highest good back to them.

Every part is like a redeemed hero when they are held in the quiet understanding of Self: it is our job to remind them of their heroics, and show them how they can use this courage and intelligence in skillful, conscious ways in our lives.

In The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief, Francis Schwartz says that naming someone else’s gifts and talents is a way to bless them. To bless is to “endow someone with a particular cherished thing or attribute” according to the Oxford Dictionary. When you can see and verbally recognize someone for their positive attributes, you amplify those attributes, assigning something precious and sacred to them. Similarly, when you can see beneath the surface of a part’s behavior or dialogue and zero in on their positive intention for the system, you not only arrest what that part is doing and offer it a pause, but you also offer it the gift of a blessing, to be known for its true nature and who it really is beneath layers of protection and woundedness. Francis Weller writes,

“Deep in our bones lies an intuition that we arrive here carrying a bundle of gifts to offer to the community. Over time, these gifts are meant to be seen, developed, and called into the village at times of need. To feel valued for the gifts with which we are born affirms our worth and dignity. In a sense, it is a form of spiritual employment — simply being who we are confirms our place in the village. That is one of the fundamental understandings about gifts: we can only offer them by being ourselves fully. Gifts are a consequence of authenticity; when we are being true to our natures, the gifts can emerge” (Weller, p. 57).

If we are interested in this business of becoming and want to walk this journey of healing, we must receive the bundle of gifts that our parts offer to our inner community. We must trust that these gifts enrich our spirit and deepen our experience of being alive. Each part carries an intention for us that demonstrates their resolve, their genius, and their care. Parts care for us. Seeing and respecting their intentions in Self is how we care back.

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IFS Inner Dialoguing Practice: Practice for Affirming Parts’ Positive Intentions

The intention of this practice is to build a relationship between Self and a part that other parts struggle with and help these other parts un-blend.

First, get comfortable and find a place where you can relax and focus inward. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and ground into your feet and legs. Sense for Self energy by noticing how open your heart feels. Stay here with slow, deep breaths, allowing your heart to open until you connect with a sense of presence and compassion.

Now, think about a part of you that you have been struggling with. It might be easier to first notice the struggles. Take note of these concerns and thank your parts for sharing them with you. Ask these parts to step back, turn down, or soften, and as an experiment, watch how you might work with the part that they are struggling with (note: this might be more effective than how they try to address their concerns and help them not work so hard!).

Now, turn to the part that they are fixating on. See if you can locate this part in your body. Notice how this part shows up for you with its thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ask this part what job it does for you and listen attentively. Follow up by asking: what is so important about this job to you? What are you afraid might happen if you stop doing it? What do you value? What do you care about?

Sense the part’s underlying positive intention. Reflect this back to the part and validate its efforts. If you’d like to take this practice further with journaling, write an ode or a list poem praising the intentions and gifts of this part. What is this part’s purpose? Its positive intentions? Its wishes and dreams for you? Its values?

Thank all of your parts for dialoguing with you, take a few grounding breaths, and orient to your external surroundings before exiting this internal dialogue practice.

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